PET PEEVES

Six months ago, I started gathering a list of pet peeves, anything that annoyed me. It didn’t need to make sense, it just had to bother me. I didn’t go looking for them. They accumulated quickly.

1. We verses I. When politicians and celebrities talk about themselves, they never say, “I” it’s always “we.” “We’re going to Washington to clean up the mess.” They do this because self-referral seems ego-centric. It may be true that “we” is justified because he is going with an entourage, but they are afraid to say I. Sometimes “we” can get you in trouble. When Lester Holt asked candidate Kamala, the “Border Czar,” if she had been to the border, she answered “we’ve been to the border,” we’ve been to the border.”

“But have you been to the border?” Holt asked. “Well, I haven’t been to Europe, either, I mean, what’s your point?”

2. Still getting requests for political contributions.

I’m standing strong in the Senate to defend these cabinet picks and push back against the political games. But I can’t do it alone, Fredric. We need your support to ensure we have the resources to win this fight. Can you pitch in any amount today to help…

I responded: (Notice I didn’t say “We responded.” I didn’t say we because as far as I can tell, I’m the only person in the room.)

Enough, already! You’re annoying me for money again? The election is over. This is the thanks I get for contributing. Consider yourself UNSUBSCRIBED. Blocked. Deleted. Spammed

3. Still workin’? Need a box? Room for dessert?

Has there ever been a society in the history of humanity that refers to eating a meal as workin’. Workin’ on the chain gang makes sense. “Workin’ on my surf and turf, not so much. At this very moment, people Darfur are again starving. A waiter in Afghanistan is not going to ask you if you have room for the Chocolate Lava cake with ice cream. We need perspective. We need a little gratitude. We need constant reminders of how fortunate we are. (In this case we is appropriate.)

4. “You guys” - The next server who doesn’t refer to us as “you guys” gets a big tip. Why? I don’t have to have a reason. It annoys me.

5. Family-owned business. Well, Wal Mart is a family-owned business, although each family member is a billionaire. A mom-and-pop diner is family owned. Family implies honesty, stability, hard work and community. Family is positive, implying that grandma and grandpa, and dad, and little sister all work in the business. It smacks of American opportunity, the puritan work ethic and capitalism. On some level, we recognize that family is a foundation of our civilization. Why is it a peeve? Because it’s overused. If every business is family owned, then it loses all meaning.

6. How we doing? Have we exceeded your expectations? Would you mind filling out this brief form? We are assaulted by endless requests for rating businesses. Why? So they can boast a 4.8 star score. Everyone wants ratings: restaurants, doctors, credit card companies, financial advisors, car repair, car rentals. Now at the end of a blind date, you can each ask, “have I exceeded your expectations?” “Would you mind filling out this brief form, so in case things don’t work out, I can show this to my next date.” It seems that almost every rating on the Better Business Bureau is A+, A, or A-. Bs and below are rare. Cs nonexistent.

7. Pleasant people in India who help us with computers and seemingly everything else. They all have American names. “Haloo, my nime is Keveen…” I’m tempted to reply, “Haloo, my nime is Saaanjay Gupta.”

8. Thank you – So, the host of the show says “thank you” to the guest. The guest hesitates for a second, unsure if he should say “you’re welcome,” or “thank you.” Ninety percent of the scaredy cats say thank you. Whatever happened to You’re Welcome. That’s the way it’s supposed to work. Why is this so difficult?

When Oprah hosted Kamala during the campaign, she said thank you and gave her a big hug. But Oprah should have been the one offering thanks, because Kamala paid her an estimated two million dollars for the one-hour interview. Oprah, a billionaire, needed some pocket change. Some of those billionaire doners contributed big bucks so Kamala could give it to another billionaire. So who should say thank you? I dunno. But I do know this: the people in Darfur could use the two million. (See #3 above).

9. When the talk show host allows a caller to give an opinion, the caller says, “Thank you for taking my call.” The host is the one who should say, “Thank you for calling and helping me make more money.

10. Cutesy names for political opponents – When a commentators refer to Alexandria Ocasio Cortez as “AOC,” I cringe. “AOC” implies familiarity, like a nick name. (Oh, yea, me and by buddy, AOC, we went bowlin’ last week, had a few beers.” Same for “the Squad,” a shrill group of America-hating, mostly female Congresswomen. Two have been voted out of office. When I think of a squad, I picture heavily armed and bearded special forces guys taking it to the terrorists. Historically, the Democrats have had cutesy names of affection and familiarity: FDR, JFK, RFK, MLK, and LBJ. Ever hear references to RMN, DJT, GWB, GHWB? RWR?

11. Died or passed away? A guy is blown up, the news report says he “passed away.” A woman is murdered, her body dumped in the woods. They were killed, murdered. When my mother died at ninety, she passed away quietly in the hospital.

12. Ads in theaters - Went to the IMAX to see Gladiator II at 8:00 PM – After a half hour of advertisements and coming attractions the movie began. I’d like theaters to list the starting time as the movie starting time. I didn’t pay $34 for the privilege of watching ads. I’m a great believer in capitalism, and I understand advertising is part of the deal. So now, in the great tradition of the free market, I’ll wait to stream it at home.

Wait. There is a second movie peeve. The Imax screen was gigantic, which is great. But the volume was super ear splitting and decibel- breaking, especially in the opening battle scene where tens of millions of soldiers were slaughtering each other and making a racket. Waterboarding would have been more bearable. The theater gave us a voucher for another performance.

13. Personalities - People in the media are often referred to as personalities, as if they are not actually human beings, but some nebulosus ghost-like entities.

14. Emphasizing YOU” in verbal ads. This is supposed to make you, the listener, think, “Oh, wow, they are talking directly to me; I’m going to run right out and buy that toothpaste.”

15. “People experiencing homelessness,” as if they are people just like us, temporarily down on their luck. They are experiencing homelessness because the vast majority are mentally disturbed, drug addicts, or alcoholics. It’s not temporary. Note - I’m a person experiencing election fatigue.

16. Ads that tell us, “Get the (discount, vacation, investment advice, retirement, dating service, bed) you deserve.” The implication is that we deserve this because we exist. We deserve freedom, opportunity, security, food, efficient and honest government and good health. It’s often been said, we get the government we deserve, meaning, “you voted these people, so don’t complain.”

17. Address label trauma. Charitable organizations play the guilt trip card by sending “a free gift” of address labels with my name and address. I’m supposed to think, “None of the other eight billion people on planet Earth can use these; they were made especially for me. They spent a lot of money. At the very least, I should pay them back and also contribute.” Because I give to a variety of charities and politicians, I’m drowning in address labels. Pounds of them. (Yes, pounds). I receive enough to wallpaper a room. Then I thought, “maybe I could,” leading to perhaps the strangest and most unique hobby in the history of mankind.

18. Posing for pictures with the pinky and forefinger extended. Where did this come from? What’s the point? What does it mean? Why is it faddish? I may be wrong on this, but I’ll take a guess. In 1968, the defacto leader of the Weather Underground, Bernardine Dohrn, expressed her delight when the Manson family murdered innocent people in their homes. “Dig this,” she said extending a hand with three fork fingers, with obvious delight, “After they killed them they stuck those pigs with forks.”

19. “Wanna get away? You’re gonna love this.” I knew a couple that raised their kids on want to, going to and have to. As adults they continue to enunciate perfectly. Southwest Airlines has a pricing category called “wanna get away.” It really bothers me. I feel like Southwest is appealing to the “common man.” I don’t havta have a reason, after all, it’s a peeve.

20. On a related note - It’s kinda genius is kinda annoying. We are supposed to be impressed with Company X’s new offer. It’s amazing. Like magic. You gotta try it. Really, you’ve got to try it. It’s kinda genius.

21. Pretty, young, 5’4” women interviewing 6’4” players on the football field. The rationale, I assume, is that girls on the field will somehow attract more female viewers. It’s not going to happen. I’ve known many women; I even married one. Few have any interest in sports. At Superbowl parties the ladies huddle in the kitchen to chat, the guys huddle around the big screen TV, drink beer and second-guess the coach. Maybe they think male viewers will appreciate girls on the field. Trust me, speaking for all men in the United States, women on the field are as annoying as women at a poker game. Men need some escape time to let out their toxic masculinity.

22. Standing Ovations – Last year I went to a musical with friends. I didn’t like it at all. At the end, the audience applauded; then a few people stood up, followed by the rest of the audience. One person refused to stand. It’s a bit intimidating. It’s kind of like the kid at the cash register watching if you’re going to leave a tip.

23. Female electronic voices - Siri, Alexa, and Google navigation all are all females. My wife says, “she said to turn right.” “She is not a person,” I say. “Then why did you just call her she?” The computer voice on Star Trek was a female. Feeling rebellious, I opted for a male voice for Siri. Unfortunately, he’s rude. When I say, “Hey Siri” he responds, “Uh huh.” Really? “Uh huh?” How about a little respect? Huh? How about, “Can I help you, Mr. Singer?” Female Siri never grunted at me. It’s hard to get good help these days.

24. We’ve been trying to get ahold of you! That must mean something positive. I must be important because they are desperate to get ahold of me. Sometimes famous people imply frustration when they write, “Fredric, I’ve been trying to reach you. Congratulations. You’ve been pre-chosen to apply for a new Break the Bank Credit Card. No charge to transfer your balance.

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What are your pet peeves? Click below.