FRACTURED HISTORY IN THE CLASSROOM

Note to followers and subscribers – Last week, Glenn Loury at the Manhattan Institute, signed up as one of my Substack followers.  I didn’t realize his article would automatically appear among my posts, adding to your many emails. 

      Should I avoid this in the future? Please let me know.

   Meanwhile, a humor break.  You can’t make this stuff up.

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I’ve been grading history papers for quite a while.  Presented here a is revision of the past as reported by high school students.

Beginning in ancient times, we find that Doctor Leaky was a fossil man although he doesn’t look a day older than 50,000 years.  Over in Egypt, Pharaohs were buried with Jews and precious stones.   The Jews were valuable because they gave us the Ten Comments, which should not be confused with the Ten Amendments.   Many of these early civilizations sprung up around the Aging Sea, which explains why they were all so old.

Turning to the Middle Ages, we learn that Knights followed the rules of chivalry, which was a coat of honor they wore at all times.  Knights engaged in jesting tournaments where they attempted to defeat their opponents by making them laugh until they fell off their horses.

Religious problems in the Middle Age included heresy, a type of car in which dead people are carried.  The church was built on something called martyr which is some kind of cement or plaster.  Unfortunately, it was unable to keep the church together.  The pope tried to help by using incommunicado, but no one would talk to him.  Finally, King Henry the 1/8, a member of a religious fraction, divided the church.

Another famous monarch was Maryanne Twanet, who told the pheasants to eat cake.  She would have been better off eating some humble pie herself.

In Russia, the Czar’s daughter, Anesthesia, put people to sleep trying to prove her identity.

Apparently, the Nazis were anti-semantic because they often confused Hebrew with German.

One of the best-known events in American history was the Battle of the Alimony.  Many combatants had just been released from debater’s prison where they argued the merits of capitalist punishment.

In those days, a typical American was a WASP.  Historians disagree about who they were.   Some argue they were Women in the Aeronautical Space Program.  Others insist they were Wide American Social Persons.  I guess the typical American was overweight.   Nobody really knows for sure.

William Randolph Hearst, a large New York publisher, might have been one of those “wide” Americans.  Hearst tried to solve his weight problem by increasing his circulation.  People began worrying about his health, and dropped subtle hints, like calling him William Randolph Hearse.

American industrialist, Carnegie Hall, was a steel magnet.  Mr. Hall attracted many people to him.  Meanwhile, the hottest issue in Hall’s time was the free carnage of silver, which was fought over tooth and nail.

Another American with a weight problem was Teddy Roosevelt, who was known as a “truss buster.”  Roosevelt was an excitable and blustery man.  When he read the Monroe Doctrine, he almost had a heart attack; the incident is known as The Roosevelt Coronary to the Monroe Doctrine.  Roosevelt’s friend Henry Cabbage Lodge, was a man a head of his time.  He should not be confused with his cousin, Henry Carrot Log.   During Roosevelt’s administration, Congress passed the Pure Food and Drunk Act.  This should not be confused with Prohibition when bootlick whiskey was produced.

I’m not sure what to make of all this.  Truth may be stranger than fiction, but it’s not funnier.

If this brought a little humor into your life, please share.