Aliens Learn About Life in America

Alert! The aliens aren’t real, everything else is.

Drones are filling the skies over New Jersey. The Biden administration shrugs and tells us not to worry. Because I’ve been in direct contact with the mother ship, I happen to know exactly what is going on. Professor !vrgxbh and his students are on a field trip to Earth. Here’s a transcript.

I’ve brought you here to help you understand why planet Earth is off limits to the rest of the civilized galaxy.” The professor produced a holographic image of folks enjoying a picnic. “What could be more innocent and more American than sitting down on a blanket under a shady tree and opening up a basket full of fried chicken, apple pie and chips? Oh, the food is OK, and so is the shady tree, but the word picnic is, well, offensive. At the State University of New York at Albany, a picnic was planned to honor the first black major league baseball player, Jackie Robinson. But unbeknownst to the naive folks who planned the event, forty students protested because the word "picnic" used to mean racial lynchings of blacks. As it turns out, "picnic" was originally a French word in the 17th century referring to a social get together in which each person brings a different food.

How did the authorities at Albany react? Did they say to the protesters, “kids, if it’s true that some lynchings were referred to as 'picnics’ 175 years ago, most people don't know about it and don't care. You need to stop looking for ways to be offended." Instead, school administrators caved in. Affirmative action director, Zaheer Mustafa, said, "Whether the claims are true or not, the point is the word offended." (Offense always trumps reason). Consequently, the picnic became an "outing," but gay students were offended by the word "outing" because it implied coming out of the closet. Consequently, they just brought food and didn't call it anything.

Frixlebigit, a perky Freshman girl with lovely tentacles, asked, “Professor, it doesn’t make sense.”

Both of the professor’s mouths laughed. “Now you’re beginning to understand the psychotic interplay between diversity and victimization. Here’s another example of Earthian lunacy. A homeless man, Richard Kreimer, adopted the Morristown, New Jersey Library as his home. He had no apparent interest in books, but tended to stare at patrons, wander around, and because he never bathed, he gave off quite an odor. Since the purpose of the library is not to be a homeless shelter, the library staff attempted to evict him. The judge found that Kreimer’s behavior and body odor were ‘too vague to charge him.”

“Seems reasonable,” said Zq!!pyf, whose head hung in a sack on his shoulder.

“Reasonable?” said the professor. “Not to these Earth creatures. Kreimer went to court and was awarded $150,000 and the right to stay in the library all day. There are few societies, past or present, that would tolerate such nonsense. Kreimer’s rights as an individual, do not supersede the rights of the other patrons. If a hundred homeless people followed Kreimer into the library day after day, would the judge still argue that behavior and body odor are too vague to charge them? The library’s mission is to house books, not the homeless,”

Frixlebigit, from the same species Jixlefrabbit, scratched the yellow scales on her belly. “Is there no end to this bizarre behavior?”

“Not in America, my dear Frixlebigit. In America, anything is possible.” The professor paused for a moment, thoughtfully clamping the suction cups on his tentacles together. “Take the shower dancing incident, for example.”

“Shower dancing? What’s that professor?” asked Zq!!pyf.

“Apparently, human males are entertained by females showering on stage. It’s some kind of mating ritual. Anyway, one of those shower places was closed down.”

“I bet those soapy showers get the audiences all lathered up,” said Zq!!pyf.”

The professor shook both of his heads. “Not funny, Zq!!pyf.””

“Sorry sir,” said Zq!!pyf, whacking his head sack in embarrassment. ”So, why was it closed down? Lewd dancing?”

“Oh no,” laughed the professor. “The Los Angles Disabled Access Commission ruled that the shower dancing stall discriminated against women in wheelchairs.”

Jixlefrabbit grimaced. “I don’t get it.”

One of the professor’s mouths smiled while the other explained. “The commission wrote, ‘…if an able-bodied person could have been up there doing it, a disabled person should have been able to, also.’”

“I can’t believe it,” cackled Cluckinholler, from a species resembling huge chickens. How many women in wheelchairs want to shower on a stage. I’m guessing, zero!”

“Going by that logic,” said Jixlefrabbit, “all airlines should be closed down because they lack provisions for wheelchair bound pilots. And you’d have to close bowling alleys, golf courses, and all venues lacking accommodations for the disabled.”

“Boy,” Cpcrchguts, said, twisting his eye stalks together, “these Earth creatures are really weird.”

Both of the professors’ mouths smiled. “You ain’t seen nothin’ yet. Hooters restaurant paid a huge fine because of discriminatory practices in hiring 'Waitpersons.’ Hooters makes it money from well-endowed waitresses. That's their business. Nevertheless, Hooters was forced to pay an incredible $3.75 million to settle a class action suit on behalf of men who were refused jobs.”

Perky Freshman girl, Frixlebigit, waived her four tentacles in the air. “Doesn’t the company have the right to determine criteria for employment. What's next, men suing for discrimination because they weren't hired as Playboy bunnies?”

“There’s more,” siaid the professor. “In Tallahassee Florida, Lt. William Smith was fired from his job as a prison guard. The Florida Commission on Human Rights ruled that Smith, who dressed like a woman, preferred to be called Belinda and was planning to become a woman, was suffering from the "handicap" of transsexualism. As a result, his/her firing was deemed discriminatory based on a disability. Commissioner Judith Kavanaugh said, ^‘we have to find it a handicap.’”

“No, we don't. The law is open to interpretation, judgment and common sense. A man in a dress is not suited (!) to be a prison guard.”

“To think,” said Jixlefrabbit, “They call us aliens.”

Both of the professor’s mouths announced, “ I just received a message from one of our drones. A medical breakthrough - a surgical implant - has been developed to help deaf children regain their hearing. Most would consider this a wonderful development. Parents could fully communicate with their children; the world of school, entertainment, music and even romance, would open up to them. Employment opportunities would increase tremendously. Their social lives would be transformed, yet some of these Earth creatures oppose it.”

“Who could possibly oppose such a development?” Cluckinholler, clucked.

“The answer, my dear Cluckinholler, is the deaf themselves. According to the New York Times, advocates for the deaf objected to the procedure because it would ‘rob that child of a birthright of silence.’ The deaf they said, ‘are a subculture like any other...a linguistic minority.’”

“The editors of Deaf Life magazine, became positively militant when they declared, ‘An implant is the ultimate denial of deafness, the ultimate refusal to let deaf children be deaf.’ The editor of Silent News wrote "l think it is wrong for a hearing parent to deny a deaf child his cultural identity and force him to be hearing."

You would think that deafness is a disability, not a cultural identity. But because victimization, diversity and multiculturalism are so empowering, the advocates for the deaf prefer to keep them disabled, angry, militant and separate. The students began chattering at once. Zq!!pyf slapped his head sack four times in disbelief. Cpcrchguts was unable to untwist his eye stalks. Cluckinholler, clucked. Frixlebigit, waved her tentacles.

Professor !vrgxbh called for order. “Some of this may sound funny, but the diversity / victimization / multiculturalism nexus can be heartbreaking.

“Heartbreaking?” exclaimed Frixlebigit.

“Yes. Heartbreaking. Holocaust survivor, Mike Webel, was dragged through brambles of absurdity by the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. The late columnist of the Chicago Tribune, Mike Royko, brought this case to public view.

What was his crime? He hired five African-Americans instead of 8.45. In addition, a woman accused him of bias. As a result, he was ordered to spend $10,000 for newspaper ads to find blacks who had applied but were not hired by his company. Then he would pay them $123,991 in back pay.

Said Webel, ‘They want me to spend $10,000 to find people who didn't work for me so I can pay them $123, 991 for not working for me.” Webel didn't have that kind of money, wrote Royko, “and if forced to pay, he could go out of business, resulting in his twenty-six minority workers losing their jobs.”

This case is especially poignant because Mike Webel has experienced bigotry firsthand. In a choked voice he told Royko, “My parents are Jews who survived Auschwitz. My mother had 13 brothers and sisters. Three were left. My father and his one brother were the only survivors out of his seven brothers and sisters. Who knows more about discrimination than Jews or blacks? That is really an extra sting.”

Mike Webel, a hard-working little guy, was beaten down by his own government. “It did a lot to me," he told Royko. “When you deal with the government, you're really afraid.

"I'm sorry," he said as he began to cry. "l get emotional about this."

So should we all.

“Now you understand why this planet has fallen into a black hole, said the professor. He shook both of his heads. “Down there on Earth, diversity is divisive, multiculturalism is a scam, and victimization is empowering. Government is supposed to protect us, not harass us.

Let’s get the heck out of here before we are infected by this alien woke psychosis.

Warp Seven.

Engage.

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